In my work as a counsellor of people I am trained to be aware of the space that exists between me and the people who sit on my couch. Professional space. It is vital. In this role I exist to witness, engage, listen and empower people to choose for themselves how they wish their lives to be. I help facilitate change all the while staying in this space to protect them and I from the confusion of ideals and feelings and experiences. I regard this to be a sacred place. A place where I first seek to do no harm. To do no harm I in turn am also given a space by a supervisor who is trained to hold this space between him and I so I can explore my thoughts, my feelings and my confusion at times of where my space ends and someone else’s begins. I find comfort in this space. In my work it gives me clarity. In my work it helps me grow and in my work it enriches the growth of those who trust me with their soul.
I wish this was so in my personal life, in the space that exists between the people I have chosen to love and I . With this space I am not so skilled. I am not so comfortable, I am not so sure. The space between me and someone I love can at times feel like it is squeezing the very life out of me as I desperately scramble to find the place where they begin and I end or I begin and they end. It is at times a whirlwind of emotions that makes the space so very hard to find and so very hard to live in. I make mistakes sometimes in this space. I get confused, lost, overwhelmed. Sometimes this space seems unfathomably vast, like I am floating above the clouds with no place to land and then it can feel like the space on the head of a pin. Small and airless without room to breathe.
I am floating in space these days. I am trying so very hard not to be. I cannot find where I begin and he ends., where he begins and I end. I am trying to breathe. I am trying to feel. I am trying to comfort and do no harm. I know that I won’t be lost in this space forever. I know that someday I will find anchor. We always find anchor, and in the end and I know that the peace that I seek will eventually be found in the space between us. It is the most sacred space of all.