Yesterday I cried. You know, that all consuming, snot inducing, let it all out kind of cry? The one that toddlers who cannot tell you with words do? Maybe because I cannot find the words to accurately describe how it is that I am feeling. Maybe that is why I cried.
Most days I try to keep myself busy, distracted. This is easy as a single mother of one busy, distracted teen. That, and my work is busy and distracting so for the most part I trundle on hoping that the passing of time takes care of the messy feelings. And most days it works.
Yesterday the sun came out. Not figuratively, but literally. It is spring, and it came like a big warm flash of things to come. It is most favourite time of year when I wait expectantly for the days to become longer. I love longer days. Longer days means warmer days, smiling people, cut grass, smells of cooking food in the air and sounds of laughing kids in the park. Everything is easier with the arrival of longer days.
Or everything was. I cannot decide.
I was caught off guard yesterday by the, “what was” part of my life. We all have it. The things we miss, the people, places, the experiences. Life is made up of so many missed things that they shape who we have become. Who we are to become. We know that missed things are a normal part of our everyday, and on most days we exist with them effortlessly as we have been learning to do so since we can remember.
Yesterday was not one of those days.
Yesterday the missed parts of my life came like an unwelcome guest wanting the upmost of my attention and the sunshine is to blame. It has been a long, cold winter, and I have been in a lot of ways protected by this. The darkness took care of me. In it I was given the freedom to hide away and nurse my wounds and it offered me sanctuary. The sunshine, not so much.
Yesterday all of the smiling people, the cut grass, and the laughing kids took my breath away. It is as if the darkness and all its protection split open and let me fall tumbling to the ground, without warning, I may add. The lack of warning was the hardest part.
Yesterday I remembered all of my missing bits and it hurt like hell. Yesterday the sunshine hurt my eyes. Maybe because I am not ready to remember. Maybe because I am. This bit I am still insure of. So I cried. I let it all out in a big, spectacular, exhausting kind of way and it felt good. And sad, but I am OK with sad.
I cannot stop the sunshine anymore than the coming of the longer days. I wish the darkness would hang around a little while longer but that is not how this life of mine works. The darkness remains only for as long as it has to even if we are not ready for it to go because this is the natural order of things. If it did remain most of us would stay shut away for years on end ignoring the sunshine and all it has to offer.
So, the sun is here. The longer days almost. Maybe the way towards them is to welcome them and all of the memories they bring. I am trying to find my peace in the memories, no matter how painful they may be. Maybe I need the sunshine for this. Maybe I have had my time with the darkness. Maybe this is what the brightness is trying to tell me and maybe it is time to stop blaming it on the sunshine.