Pieces of Me

Bits and pieces of my life and of my heart.


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Bonnie and Clyde.

When I was sick with cancer I had this fear that took up residence inside of me. This fear kept me awake at night for months not being able to sleep without the light on. I couldn’t breathe. My heart would beat wildly and I would allow my mind go to the places that none of us like to visit. What if I died? Who would love my boy? Would I be missed? Have I been happy in my life, really happy?
The further I got from my first all clear scan, the less I felt this fear. Life is good that way. Time does heals most things, you just have to wait it out.

Last night this fear returned. Full force. My heart is still racing, my light is still on and I feel vulnerable. My sleep was broken, my dreams scattered and as much as I love to run, I just cannot make my legs work.

Fear is a bitch. Anxiety too. Together they are like the Bonnie and Clyde of my feelings. All go, all passion, driven, focused, never giving in. Even in the light of day they stay, taunting me, laughing at me, filling my head with all kinds of nonsense.

When I was sick I wrote. Blog after blog. It was the only way that I could calm myself, purge myself, help myself. After I was sick life happened and I needed this purging less and less. Why is it now that this fear returns? Someone close to me is sick. Sick how I was sick. Maybe her fear is becoming mine? Maybe the all clear bubble has burst? Maybe this is normal? (God, I pray to be normal, whatever that means). Last night sucked. It sucked big. My Bonnie and Clyde causing all sorts of trouble. To me, to my head, my heart, my soul. “Just breathe”, I keep telling myself. Whatever you do don’t forget to breathe…

Writing helps. My heart beats a little slower. Breathing too, it calms the nerves. I know exactly what it is I am afraid of. I have always known. Maybe a post for another day. Today I just want to ease the fear. Today I wish it to take a back seat so that I can be loving, kind and patient with those I love. I wish to get the most out of my day, and somehow get these legs of mine to work so I can do the best thing I know to rid myself of these feelings. I need to run. I need to move. I have been able to outsmart Bonnie and Clyde before. Why not today?

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Soul work.

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I planned on waking at 7am to write. It’s 11.15 am. So much for best laid plans! I also planned on trying to figure out how to change the format of this blog because the spacing between paragraphs is annoying me, but I will figure that out another day.

I go to counselling. Partly because I am a counsellor and it’s required of me to do so, partly because I am still a bit shaken from the whole cancer saga, but mostly I go because I am the kind of person who has always wanted to know myself as much as humanly possible. Know what makes me work the way I do. Know what makes me choose the kind of relationships I do, or the kind of work that I do. The parent I am. The friend, the sister, the daughter, the lover. I love everything there is to know about why we do the things we do and what it takes to change some of those things, especially if we discover that they are not working for us so well anymore.

It is no secret to those of you that read this that I have been struggling with what I am doing in my career. I am pretty confident that I am doing what it is I am supposed to be doing for the most part, I think I am beginning to understand that where I am doing it seems to be the challenge. Not who I do it for. I love the organisation I work for. It’s just the place. I have been there too long and am just not learning or growing much lately.

Anyway. I got myself into a hell of a funk over it recently and took to my counsellor to hash it out. She is good. With me she is experimental. Being trained as a counsellor myself gives me the tools and the courage to push myself out of my comfort zone and I am always happy to do that. I find that the further I push, the better the end result. Which always means me being happier, freer, more content. Closer to myself.

On this day she pushed my thinking, my feeling beyond what it is I do now. I felt stuck so she unstuck me by inviting me to envision what my life would look like, would feel like if I was doing exactly what it is my heart desired.

The first most instant thing was that I had moved on from where I was now and it felt pretty great! I felt relieved. Happy. Excited. I had no idea where it was I ended up but not being where I currently am was enough for now.

I didn’t just focus on my job. We looked at my life in general. Where I live. Who I live with. How I feel about my parenting skills. And what it was I was doing to ground myself. Centre myself. Love myself.

My souls work.

Someone I spent time with this weekend called it that. 

Your souls work.

The thing that you do that taps into your happy. 

We all have something. Even those of you who don’t believe in a soul has it. It’s not necessarily what you do for a living, unless you are one of the lucky ones that Steve Jobs spoke about when he said that when you find what you love and are lucky enough to paid for it, then it’s not a job. 

It’s that thing that you know can make you feel better no matter how bad things are.

Running. Painting. Singing. Sailing. Swimming. Cooking. Baking. Acting. So, so many wonderful things.

For me it is writing. It always has been. Every single event good or bad I have written something about. It is when I am most honest. Most centered. Most happy and most loved. In a love myself, love my soul kind of way and I reckon I don’t do it as often or as much as I should. I can put the worlds wrongs to right when I write. I can soothe myself. Encourage myself. Make fun at myself. Challenge myself. Question myself, and free myself of just about anything that gets in my way of really feeling happy.

Writing is my soul work. 

When I envisioned what my future would look like where i was happy, truly happy, I was writing. All the time. Every day. Allowing myself the freedom to write with abandon, without the worry of what others may think of what I might say, or feel, and it felt good. Really good, way down deep in my soul good. It’s my thing. I love that I know what it is, and I reckon the more I do it the happier I will be no matter what the circumstances of my life may be.

Writing is my soul work.

I hope you find yours. x